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Sleep ParalysisThe demon visited me once again today.
Yes, today. Not tonight or the night before or after; times you’d think a demon would be out. This demon knows no such boundaries, it would seem, and so it usually visits me in the morning.
I lay in bed, having woken up much earlier than I wanted or needed to, with my eyes shut in hopes of remedying the situation. My body relaxed several times, and I felt sleep just within my grasp…
But several times my body found some fault with the split second-imagery of my dreams and jolted me awake, leaving me frustrated, but not deterred.
I would prefer it to what happens next.
The final time I shut
Cold Blooded Lovers"What if I told you...I still loved you?" She confessed.
His eyes, closed while his throat twitched with laughter.
"Who could ever love a girl like you? You were the worst
decision of my life! You don't know how long I've waited
to tell you that!" His lips, dry from the heartless yelling
lead to his back facing her.
A grin crept across her drenched mouth before a deep sigh
slithered out. "Who could ever love a girl like me?
You're right. Who could? After all, it was you who
created this? You made sure no one else could love me?
Made damn sure that I would be convinced you could
only love me." Once again, that deep breath escaped
Forever LetterDear You,
I've known you for a long time and I thought that we could tell
each other anything, but now I know it isn't true. I knew that
your condition was worsening, but I didn't know it was so bad.
I found out that you had cancer the other day. You tried to hide
it from me, but I found the chemo dates in that pocket in your
bag you thought hid everything from the world. From me. From
me, your only trusted person in the universe. And that's not all
Those chemotherapy dates were expired, past. You've been through
maybe six or seven tests now. And I talked to your doctor about
it and he told me that you have maybe three weeks l
I used to want to die.Take a look at this papers background… It’s blank right?
That’s what your life is every day if you do nothing about it.
The world is your canvas you paint it, not anyone else.
Pick up your paint brush and paint a beautiful sky that you want to see everyday
Or YOU choose to paint a tornado that takes everything from you, and eventually takes your life if you paint it too many times.
Trust me. It isn’t worth it. I know that’s it is hard, you tell me you can’t do it but you can. My God or your God believes you can get through this!
He believes that you are tougher than every person around you.
He believes th
I reread the note todayHe was so self-conscious that he began to come across as bizarre: a thin young man with gaunt cheekbones who slouched around the edges of conversations waiting for a chance to politely cut in, but to those more extroverted he seemed a creep or a voyeur. I knew him a year in silent passing before we had a conversation on the winding staircase beside the wall of windows.
Paused with intention, he stood above me and, backlit by a pale grey January morning, I could see all the blackened angles of his figure in contrast with his hands which rested bright upon the railing: smooth and golden, sparsely haired. When he smiled, he bared all his teeth,
Important You see a different side of a people when they sleep. Some people become rolling and boiling oceans, thrashing around in fits of emotional rage. Others become soft trains, riding down a long peaceful track. Even still, some make an unconscious decision to tell you their life story.
For me, my person becomes a beautiful place of serenity. Whilst he's awake, he's comical, vibrant, and alive. But sleeping, all of those wonderful attributes that make him him, they all become much quieter. All stress and anxiety seemingly disappear from under his radar, leaving only peace of mind and calm. While sleeping, he is more than beautiful.
Sleep is important. But for me, it is not for the reasons scientists say it is. It is a chance to find beauty in those around you where you may not commonly see it, Sleep is a chance to hold someone close, when you're too fearful while conscious.
Find your beauty. N
CrookedThere is an old nursery rhyme that tells us about the Crooked Man, and everything he had was crooked. I ask how one could live...live a crooked life. How could someone that is broken...stay in a broken house...surround himself with crooked things? I am my own crooked man, and I can give you the answer. You cannot live a crooked, broken life. Your soul, flesh, and bone may live, but you as a person cannot. Day by day, crooked events envelope you deeper...deeper...deeper into darkness. Crookedness is a demon that twists you...warps you...but it does not cause your pain. Some of us...some of us are destined for crookedness. I've led my life alon
Free write 2As I lay down in the field of grass, I look up at the sky and smile. The clouds passed by with the wind so elegently. At last I was a peace...
"I'm so happy that you're finally free Ellothar! Now we can live happily...the three of us..." Alice said.
"No more troubles or family issues, we can all be finally free." Rachel continued.
I just sighed and continued to look up at the sky.
"Yeah...were finally free..."
This is just a dream though, sadly this may never come true...in my current situation I'm really banged up. I'm a very badly banged up wind up toy. Seven months of my life were wasted...I learned this about a week ago. Thankfully t
SometimesSometimes, you feel like giving up. In your mind, you had given up all hope and all that’s left to do is to quietly disappear in a corner. Perhaps you didn’t have enough courage to continue moving on; afraid of failure, you stand still in the road called life, unsure of what to do next. Fear of being unable to stop what’s going to happen next, fear of being unable to prevent that same mishap from happening again, fear of falling again after that one thousand failures. Because of that fear, you’re moving further from me.
“Now all I want to do is forget this ever happened. Forget it all, go to sleep, and never wak
If OnlyIf only you could understand the depths to which I hate myself; like a maniac bottled inside a cage with barbed wire around his throat. If only you could see the blood I've shed, bottled up and buried with the last remnants of my being, just to stop offending your eyes. If only you could fathom the horrors these two eyes have lived; so potent in the night, rendering me sleepless still. If only you could feel the fire burning in my chest; the relentless yearning transfixed behind thick walls of flesh. If only you could touch the longing; so desperate, like a fish that swims through sewers, calling out behind dark corners; begging for another l
The Standard TwistWhat’s considered Normal
If we're all considered Odd,
Is Normal having no beliefs,
Is Normal loving God?
Is Normal picking up a smoke,
And lying down to rest,
Is Normal being better than you can be,
Is Normal really the best?
Is Normal a thing I can strive for,
Is it something I should be,
Is Normal the word you'd use to describe,
What you see when you see me?
In a world full of questions,
I like to ask myself,
If normal is something we aim for,
Why all those trophies on our shelves?
Because awards come from Oddity,
Where you do things with your heart,
And if you do them Normally,
You're hopeless from the start,
Oddity is what
A Stand for Sexuality.I’ve been waiting a while to get the chance and write this just to put it out there and try and make a difference. First of all;
Definition of Homosexual:
(of a person) sexually attracted to people of one's own sex.
• involving or characterized by sexual attraction between people of the same sex: homosexual desire.
a person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex.
Definition of Homophobia:
an extreme and irrational aversion to homosexuality and homosexual people.
Now I guarantee that so many people who are homophobic or are uncomfortable with homosexuals, bisexuals, or anyone that is not hetero
Twisted SmilesI stand here looking at the cloudy sky above me. It smiles its most maniacal smiles and laughs as rain begins to pour from the murky heavens. I simply stare into the rain and begin to smile back.
It is my most delirious smile, full of mischief and laughter. The rain responds with a quiet gust of laughing wind. My twisted smile, it curves even further.
I take a deep breath and laugh, knowing that inside of this madness, that this is where I want to be. It is here where my heart desires to be, it is here where I belong, it is here where I am immersed in this sunken abyss.
The raven with his call of laughter, he never seemed so loud. Even in
Blame and TrustNo one really thinks about it when they pick up the knife,
“Yo-ho! I’m here, the party can start now baby!” a girl with dark brown hair, it could be easily be mistaken as black in shadows. In truth there was a faint violent tang to it from her most recent hair-dye. She wore a black tank top and blue jeans there were broken on the knees. A black wrist band and her hair was clipped up making it spike and bounce with each step. Her shoes were black but had a white stripe on the very bottom. She also wore a dark azure ring on the opposite hand, around her middle finger. The way her right side of her face was a long thick hair l
Pre and Post Routine"Cut, cut, cut my skin
Take my pain away.
Quickity, quickity, quickity, quick
I wash it down the drain.
Now, now, let it bleed
Let them bleed away.
Soon, soon, they will heal
And scars they will be made."
I stood in front of the mirror, undressed with the shower on behind me. My face turned sour at my reflection making it all too easy to duck down and take the pencil sharpener blade from my pocket. Easily I could see the marks where my too-tight-bra would grip and began slicing inside those lines.
At first they weren't deep enough. Then I pressed harder and cut wildly on my side, back, the side of and underneath my breast, and then low in
The China DollHelp.
She wants help.
She's screaming out for it while the world sits back and laughs with her and her glowing cheeks and glimmering personality. The smile on her lips couldn't be fake, the big oceanic eyes couldn't cry themselves to sleep. There was no way she was unhappy. The days were smooth sailing for her, she was okay... no, she was better than okay, she was perfect. There was no way she was upset in any way, she was too happy, too lovely. Too precious.
They never saw the side of her that she locked away behind the content graceful glow she radiated every day. That was locked away in her room. When she's alone. When she's alo
Never Met Yet The night was fast approaching across the horizon, and she didn't know for sure how much time she had left. The light blue-grey shades mixed with the navy glow of the setting sky, showing the frosted twilight swiftly sweeping by. Her mind was set on one thing as she paced briskly down the abandoned sidewalk while the streetlights flickered to a dim glow. The world was silent tonight, it felt like she was completely alone. The store windows were dim with the satisfaction of closing after a stressful day. As she looked behind her to check if anyone was following, she noticed the first few
Leaves She kept a content smile on her face as she watched the leaves fall from the windows of the room, taking up the whole wall to her left. They fell so slowly, so peacefully onto the cool, green grass while the flag blew subtly in the breeze. She shivered, just imagining how chilly it was out there already, though it was only now September. No one else in the room seemed too interested in the leaves and nature tearing itself down, preparing for a dead winter. She looked around slowly, and remembered that she wasn't wearing sunglasses yet again. After a couple awkward bouts of eye contact, s
Snowy Nights The words grazed her mind like the clouds on a quiet night time. Maybe they were the last words she'd hear from the person, and if that was the final impression, it truly gave her something to think about whenever she found the time. Her mind swam laps around the phrase, so simple, so clean, cut, and dry. She couldn't take it to heart, and she knew it. But what could she do about it? There was no changing what was simply fact, and what she'd known all along. The words were a promise, but the promise would be broken. All promises like that were broken at one point or another.
"Take care... I'll see you again next year, and we'll mak
Rubberbands Her life was a like a rubber band. But no one knew exactly how so, nor did they even know it could compare in such a way. She seemed so stable, so perfect, so content, but what they didn't know was she was being stretched way past her limits. With each single passing moment, it was like the band was being stretched another centimeter away from her, and she was bound to snap before she knew it. The little things would do this to her... or what others said were little. To her, every problem she had was polar opposite of a small issue. Her social life being a big let down, her parents hating her lifestyle and choices, the feeling of being
GuardianThe quiet rustling of the trees didn't ease her thoughts at all, and she knew that. Nature wouldn't fix her, nothing would fix her. She was terrified, and nothing was going to change that anytime soon. The light green leaves radiated lightly in the nearing twilight as she kept high up in the tree tops. The light sounds hestitated for a brief moment and she let her guard down, relaxing her tense, shaking bones from her grip on the tree a little bit. What would it help anyhow?
The patches of greenery below her caught her eyes as she watched the vines stretch across the floor of the woods, and the small plants budding across the free mud.
ChangeSometimes it's just not as easy as changing.
You wake up in the morning and think the same things
and feel the same way you did last night
and nothing has changed at all, has it?
I say I'll change all the time to people because
somehow it helps them sleep at night to know
that I won't wake up the next morning dead.
I say all the time that I'll change and better
and stop posting all my sad rants on twitter
and all of my stupid feelings to passersby.
Each day I wake up feeling the same way, and
I do it all over again even though I said I
wouldn't be like that anymore, I'd change.
Sometimes it just feels so impossible to change,
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`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More